I realize it was a little horrible to just disappear after that last post. Not that I actually have any followers, but whatever. I still should have at least dropped in to say that things were fine.
And they are. They have been. Things have been fine. Good even, most of the time.
Our trip to visit my family was wonderful. There was one bad day, but the rest of it was wonderful. Hubs and I got along swimmingly, The Baby was so very happy. He progressed by leaps and bounds. He started walking and was just so interactive.
The trip was so great that coming home was a little crushing. Hell, it was a lot crushing at times. I felt like the worst mother in the world bringing The Baby back to this. To boredum. To nothingness. To Hubs's issues. To me being gone all the time for work. I was sad.
But that all turned around in just a week when my brother agreed to come stay with us for a month and take care of The Baby! It was been sooooo great to have him around. He does a lot of the housework I just don't have time for and plays with The Baby all day.
It will be crushing again when he goes back to my mom's.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Apex
While Husband and StepDaughter were away, I spent a lot of time thinking about divorce. It was such an amazing, peaceful release not to be walking on eggshells all the time. I could leave work when I was ready (I brought The Baby in to work with me in the afternoons). I could spend and hour relaxing and decompressing when I got home. The Baby had a stable, consistant bedtime, and at night he got so sleep soundly and securly, cuddled up with me.
In the mornings, I could get up a little early and watch something I enjoy for 20 mintues while I had my coffee. I didn't have to worry about waking anyone up and I didn't have to get dressed in the dark.
In the evenings and on the weekend, I cleaned a lot, but I did it at my own pace and as I saw fit. I got a lot done without anyone picking apart what I was doing or critisizing when and how it got done. The house looked marvelous when I was done and I had plenty of time to play with The Baby and relax.
I thought about divorce because these calm, self sufficient feelings aren't feelings that I get when he's home. Because I couldn't call him even when I wanted to because he gets annoyed with me if I call him too often (though he also gets annoyed with me if I don't call him enough).
One night, I felt that I had worked through my feelings, and ulitimately I still loved him, he was worth working things out, and I missed him. I called him to tell him I missed him. It was a bad idea. He got mad at me for saying "I called to tell you I miss you." He got mad because I should have said "I miss you." I was so emotionally on edge already that this brought me to tears. He could tell I was crying and said, with seething anger, "What did you do?" Imlying, obviously that he assumed I was crying out of guilt, probably for cheating on him.
Things were good for a few hours when he got back, but it didn't last. His ups and downs used to be spaced out. Our fights were usually a week apart. But lately he goes up and down a number of times in a single day.
I still feel like it's my fault even though our marriage counsellor insisted to me that it is not. I have entered a pattern of self-blame. But I hate blame. I think blaming others for our own unhappiness is a cop out. The problem is, in this case my unhappiness isn't because I'm causing his moodiness - it's because I'm staying with him.
He didn't show up for counselling Monday because he said I never told him about it. I did. A least 3 times. He yelled at me so much telling me that I told him the day but not the time and never asked him if that time was ok with him. Finally, this morning, I checked my phone. I sent him a text message on Friday that said, "Our marriage counselling appointment has been moved to Monday at 0930. Ok with you?" I also know that as I was leaving that morning I said to him "See you at 930." Though his response was something like "Yeah, whatever." He had stayed up until 4 am playing on the computer (not playing games, just sending angry emails to our insurance company and others and researching the field he wants to go into).
At the counselling appointment by myself, the counsellor observed that she did not feel that I had any sort of personality disorder (I was honestly starting to believe I did because he constantly tells me I act like I do - and his phsychotic ex definitely does - which she will proudly proclaim to anyone who will listen). I'm still not convinced that I don't have some form of disorder, but I am coming around to the idea that he is a large part of the problem.
Whe was abandoned and just generally uncared for as a child. He got married young to a slut who was in bed with other guys less than a week after their wedding. The woman he had a baby with abandoned not only him, but also their child, completely out of the blue when StepDaughter was 6 months old. Granted, with BabyMama, he was probably already starting to be as angry as he is now, but I'm sure what BabyMama did only made it worse.
He desperately wants someone to love him, someone he can trust and rely on, but life has taught him that there is no such thing. Well, I may not be perfect, but he could trust and rely on me, and I could love him, if only he would stop tearing me to shreds. He needs to heal. He deserves it. But I'm starting to question whether I am strong enough to help him. And whether I can keep The Baby around while it's taking place.
I've reached an apex. Something has to give. Last night, we all went swimming (not that I had any choice in the matter - he showed up at work with my bathing suit and the assumption was that I would go - I suppose I should have been grateful that he even told me where they were and invited me to come). We were playing in the pool. It should have been a good thing. In keeping with my continued attempts to bond with StepDaughter, I was tickling her. Out of the blue, she threw a tantrum saying I was hurting her.
A couple things about this: 1) She often does crap like this when Husband is not paying attention to her (he was playing with The Baby when this happened); 2.) She was probably over tired since Husband has been letting her stay up as late as she wants every night for the last 3 weeks or so - evidenced by the fact that she "hurt" herself 2 more times in the next hour and cried like a baby all 3 times; 3.) I don't see any way the way I was tickling her could have hurt her.
But she said I was hurting her. I said "I was just tickling you, you're fine." Because even though I'm trying to bond with her, I'm not putting up with her dramatics because I don't want to encourage her to do it more. Husband was NOT ok with this reaction by me. With The Baby in one hand, he came after me. At first he acted like he was going to tickle me. Even though I knew he was trying to hurt me, I played along - trying to defuse the situation. I giggled and dodged. It did not diffuse the situation.
He punched me in the stomach.
I don't think he's ever actually hit me before. He's pushed me around a few times. He has thrown things at me (once, he threw a phone at me so hard it put a hole in the drywall behind me, another time he threw my cell phone at me so hard it broke in half when it hit the wall - I was pregnant at the time). But he has never hit me before.
It didn't really hurt. If we hadn't been in the water, if I hadn't jumped back, it probably would have hurt a lot. He did not hold back. I don't know if StepDaughter saw it. If she did, she didn't say anything. Apparently, no one else at the pool saw it. No one said or did anything.
I knew I couldn't put up with that. We can work through his emotionally abusive nature, but I can't stay if he's violent. It's just too dangerous. I've been there before and I'm not doing it again.
I got up close to him and said quietly, but sternly, "No. You do not get to hit me. If you ever do that again, we're done."
He go nose to nose with me and growled angry things at me. I can't remember what. I repeated that I would not stay with someone who hit me. He said he was leaving and started wading toward the ladder with The Baby. I asked him, calmly, to give me The Baby. He wouldn't. He said he was leaving and taking The Baby with him.
I had no choice. I calmed down. I followed him out of the pool and said, "I don't want to have a big fight tonight. There's no point to it."
He didn't say anything. He got out his towel, but he didn't dry off to leave, he just sat down. StepDaughter was still in the pool, which I think was part of what saved the situation. The Baby started fussing, and Husband said, "Oh, he's hungry," and shoved him into my arms. I was unbelievably relieved.
I was calm and cordial the rest of the night. What could I do? He and StepDaughter went to the store to pick up corn, which should have been a 20 minute round trip, they were gone for almost 2 hours. I was fine with that. I put The Baby down to sleep with our nice routine. While we were making dinner, he suddenly and warmly hugged me from behind. It felt so nice. And I chose to ignore the negative and enjoy what little I get.
I know I should know better. Maybe he was feeling a little guilt. He certainly didn't say so. He feels justified in every attack he makes on me because he has built me up to be a horrible person in his head and the maladaptive patterns he's established dealing with all the abandonment in his life have taught him that if he does this to me, then he rejects me first and I can never be the one to abandon him.
But now I'm at an apex. Because I can't stay if he's violent. It would be wrong. If he does it again, I'm out. I've started researching divorce, but its daunting. I am a federal employee. If we get divorced, he automatically gets AT LEAST 1/3 of all my pay. He will get a full 1/2 if the court considers StepDaughter to still be my dependant after the divorce or if he gets custody of The Baby - the idea of which terrifies me. My job is very demanding. It is very common for people in my job to loose their children in divorces just based on the job. If I determine that that is the likely outcome, he can hit me all he wants. Until they lock him up for assault, I won't leave. I will never risk leaving The Baby alone with him. (As a note: He would NEVER hurt StepDaughter physically - they have a twisted relationship).
This morning, I sent this email to our marriage counsellor:
The counsellor responded that she would call me later. We'll see what happens. For now, I'm going home for lunch.
In the mornings, I could get up a little early and watch something I enjoy for 20 mintues while I had my coffee. I didn't have to worry about waking anyone up and I didn't have to get dressed in the dark.
In the evenings and on the weekend, I cleaned a lot, but I did it at my own pace and as I saw fit. I got a lot done without anyone picking apart what I was doing or critisizing when and how it got done. The house looked marvelous when I was done and I had plenty of time to play with The Baby and relax.
I thought about divorce because these calm, self sufficient feelings aren't feelings that I get when he's home. Because I couldn't call him even when I wanted to because he gets annoyed with me if I call him too often (though he also gets annoyed with me if I don't call him enough).
One night, I felt that I had worked through my feelings, and ulitimately I still loved him, he was worth working things out, and I missed him. I called him to tell him I missed him. It was a bad idea. He got mad at me for saying "I called to tell you I miss you." He got mad because I should have said "I miss you." I was so emotionally on edge already that this brought me to tears. He could tell I was crying and said, with seething anger, "What did you do?" Imlying, obviously that he assumed I was crying out of guilt, probably for cheating on him.
Things were good for a few hours when he got back, but it didn't last. His ups and downs used to be spaced out. Our fights were usually a week apart. But lately he goes up and down a number of times in a single day.
I still feel like it's my fault even though our marriage counsellor insisted to me that it is not. I have entered a pattern of self-blame. But I hate blame. I think blaming others for our own unhappiness is a cop out. The problem is, in this case my unhappiness isn't because I'm causing his moodiness - it's because I'm staying with him.
He didn't show up for counselling Monday because he said I never told him about it. I did. A least 3 times. He yelled at me so much telling me that I told him the day but not the time and never asked him if that time was ok with him. Finally, this morning, I checked my phone. I sent him a text message on Friday that said, "Our marriage counselling appointment has been moved to Monday at 0930. Ok with you?" I also know that as I was leaving that morning I said to him "See you at 930." Though his response was something like "Yeah, whatever." He had stayed up until 4 am playing on the computer (not playing games, just sending angry emails to our insurance company and others and researching the field he wants to go into).
At the counselling appointment by myself, the counsellor observed that she did not feel that I had any sort of personality disorder (I was honestly starting to believe I did because he constantly tells me I act like I do - and his phsychotic ex definitely does - which she will proudly proclaim to anyone who will listen). I'm still not convinced that I don't have some form of disorder, but I am coming around to the idea that he is a large part of the problem.
Whe was abandoned and just generally uncared for as a child. He got married young to a slut who was in bed with other guys less than a week after their wedding. The woman he had a baby with abandoned not only him, but also their child, completely out of the blue when StepDaughter was 6 months old. Granted, with BabyMama, he was probably already starting to be as angry as he is now, but I'm sure what BabyMama did only made it worse.
He desperately wants someone to love him, someone he can trust and rely on, but life has taught him that there is no such thing. Well, I may not be perfect, but he could trust and rely on me, and I could love him, if only he would stop tearing me to shreds. He needs to heal. He deserves it. But I'm starting to question whether I am strong enough to help him. And whether I can keep The Baby around while it's taking place.
I've reached an apex. Something has to give. Last night, we all went swimming (not that I had any choice in the matter - he showed up at work with my bathing suit and the assumption was that I would go - I suppose I should have been grateful that he even told me where they were and invited me to come). We were playing in the pool. It should have been a good thing. In keeping with my continued attempts to bond with StepDaughter, I was tickling her. Out of the blue, she threw a tantrum saying I was hurting her.
A couple things about this: 1) She often does crap like this when Husband is not paying attention to her (he was playing with The Baby when this happened); 2.) She was probably over tired since Husband has been letting her stay up as late as she wants every night for the last 3 weeks or so - evidenced by the fact that she "hurt" herself 2 more times in the next hour and cried like a baby all 3 times; 3.) I don't see any way the way I was tickling her could have hurt her.
But she said I was hurting her. I said "I was just tickling you, you're fine." Because even though I'm trying to bond with her, I'm not putting up with her dramatics because I don't want to encourage her to do it more. Husband was NOT ok with this reaction by me. With The Baby in one hand, he came after me. At first he acted like he was going to tickle me. Even though I knew he was trying to hurt me, I played along - trying to defuse the situation. I giggled and dodged. It did not diffuse the situation.
He punched me in the stomach.
I don't think he's ever actually hit me before. He's pushed me around a few times. He has thrown things at me (once, he threw a phone at me so hard it put a hole in the drywall behind me, another time he threw my cell phone at me so hard it broke in half when it hit the wall - I was pregnant at the time). But he has never hit me before.
It didn't really hurt. If we hadn't been in the water, if I hadn't jumped back, it probably would have hurt a lot. He did not hold back. I don't know if StepDaughter saw it. If she did, she didn't say anything. Apparently, no one else at the pool saw it. No one said or did anything.
I knew I couldn't put up with that. We can work through his emotionally abusive nature, but I can't stay if he's violent. It's just too dangerous. I've been there before and I'm not doing it again.
I got up close to him and said quietly, but sternly, "No. You do not get to hit me. If you ever do that again, we're done."
He go nose to nose with me and growled angry things at me. I can't remember what. I repeated that I would not stay with someone who hit me. He said he was leaving and started wading toward the ladder with The Baby. I asked him, calmly, to give me The Baby. He wouldn't. He said he was leaving and taking The Baby with him.
I had no choice. I calmed down. I followed him out of the pool and said, "I don't want to have a big fight tonight. There's no point to it."
He didn't say anything. He got out his towel, but he didn't dry off to leave, he just sat down. StepDaughter was still in the pool, which I think was part of what saved the situation. The Baby started fussing, and Husband said, "Oh, he's hungry," and shoved him into my arms. I was unbelievably relieved.
I was calm and cordial the rest of the night. What could I do? He and StepDaughter went to the store to pick up corn, which should have been a 20 minute round trip, they were gone for almost 2 hours. I was fine with that. I put The Baby down to sleep with our nice routine. While we were making dinner, he suddenly and warmly hugged me from behind. It felt so nice. And I chose to ignore the negative and enjoy what little I get.
I know I should know better. Maybe he was feeling a little guilt. He certainly didn't say so. He feels justified in every attack he makes on me because he has built me up to be a horrible person in his head and the maladaptive patterns he's established dealing with all the abandonment in his life have taught him that if he does this to me, then he rejects me first and I can never be the one to abandon him.
But now I'm at an apex. Because I can't stay if he's violent. It would be wrong. If he does it again, I'm out. I've started researching divorce, but its daunting. I am a federal employee. If we get divorced, he automatically gets AT LEAST 1/3 of all my pay. He will get a full 1/2 if the court considers StepDaughter to still be my dependant after the divorce or if he gets custody of The Baby - the idea of which terrifies me. My job is very demanding. It is very common for people in my job to loose their children in divorces just based on the job. If I determine that that is the likely outcome, he can hit me all he wants. Until they lock him up for assault, I won't leave. I will never risk leaving The Baby alone with him. (As a note: He would NEVER hurt StepDaughter physically - they have a twisted relationship).
This morning, I sent this email to our marriage counsellor:
I'm sorry to bother you between sessions.
Last night, Husband crossed a line. I can't go into detail, for reasons that are likely obvious, but it requires me to look much harder at my position in our counseling.
I am sort of at a loss at this point. I don't know if this is still extinction burst or if something else in my behavior has changed and he can sense it, but I think I am at some sort of turning point.
I still don't want to get a divorce. I still don't want to be just one more person that abandons him when what he really needs is to learn to feel secure in a relationship. I still believe that he deserves to work through and overcome the unhealthy patterns he's learned over the course of his childhood and first marriage.
But I have fear now. Fear for myself and for StepDaughter and The Baby (though they are different fears). I NEED him to recognize that his behavior needs to change. It has become very important that he recognize his anger problems SOON, or I know I can't stay. I've been in a similar position before, and I stayed too long. I won't do that again, not with The Baby in the mix (unfortunately there isn't much I can do about StepDaughter).
All I need is for him to see and truly believe that he has a problem and needs to make a change. And I am very, very worried that that is really unlikely right now. He is fighting so hard against something I can't identify. I feel like he's hiding from himself more than ever right now.
Do you think there is any chance I can help him come around, just to a recognition, in the next couple weeks? I know that therapy is a long process, but at this point I'm not sure I have time. Something has to give soon. It doesn't have to be big, but it has to be something. He doesn't even have to get nicer, I just need to know that he can see what's going on.
But I recognize what a huge step that would actually be.
So I'm at a loss.
Do you think that there's any chance that if I tell him (at the counseling session, probably) that I have reached a point where something has to change or I'm leaving, that it would open his eyes a little? I can see it going either way: It will either scare him into looking at himself for once or it will make things exponentially worse - a risk I'm not sure I can take.
I find myself clinging to the idea that maybe just a change in medications might mellow him out a little, make him a little more rational, give me more time to hang in there and let the therapy work. Do you think that's a possibility, or am I fooling myself?
Divorce terrifies me because I know that courts almost never grant custody to active duty military members, and Husband has already been through and won one custody battle. I am going to talk to some attorney friends to get their opinions, but if I find myself facing the possibility that The Baby will be alone with Husband, I won't be able to leave - at least not until The Baby is old enough to talk.
I apologize for the lengthy and disjointed message. Really, I just wanted you to be aware that I have reached this point before our next session. I need to know if there is any chance my actions can bring him forward, even a tiny bit, or even just make him a little aware that he needs to make some changes.
If not, I'm not sure what the best course of action might be.
The counsellor responded that she would call me later. We'll see what happens. For now, I'm going home for lunch.
There Has Been Good
Husband and StepDaughter were gone up North for 9 days. At first it was a welcome relief, but by the end of 9 days I was definitely ready to have them home.
I wasn't sure how it would go since we had a couple of pretty strained phone conversations, but it was good. The first hour we were back together was great. I will give no details, as it was a physical reunion. It's enough to say it was good.
We've had a number of happy, enjoyable outings lately. We've played in fountains and gone swimming, gone to movies and to water parks. There have been tense moments, but there have also been lots of wonderful, peaceful moments and moments of shared laughter.
I have been making a concerted effort ot bond more closely with StepDaughter. She seems pretty receptive. Her attitude still grates on my nerves like crazy, but I'm trying to let more of it go. Since she has so much attitude so much of the time, it will be impossible to strengthen our bond if I don't start ignoring the attitute. And really, it makes sense to ignore it. Heaven knows I shouldn't be giving her attention for it.
There have been good, happy moments. I'm holding on to the possibility that this can work out. That with some work and growth, the good happy moments will overtake the negative ones. Because all of us deserve that.
I wasn't sure how it would go since we had a couple of pretty strained phone conversations, but it was good. The first hour we were back together was great. I will give no details, as it was a physical reunion. It's enough to say it was good.
We've had a number of happy, enjoyable outings lately. We've played in fountains and gone swimming, gone to movies and to water parks. There have been tense moments, but there have also been lots of wonderful, peaceful moments and moments of shared laughter.
I have been making a concerted effort ot bond more closely with StepDaughter. She seems pretty receptive. Her attitude still grates on my nerves like crazy, but I'm trying to let more of it go. Since she has so much attitude so much of the time, it will be impossible to strengthen our bond if I don't start ignoring the attitute. And really, it makes sense to ignore it. Heaven knows I shouldn't be giving her attention for it.
There have been good, happy moments. I'm holding on to the possibility that this can work out. That with some work and growth, the good happy moments will overtake the negative ones. Because all of us deserve that.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Rethinking
I thought this would be a blog about my marriage. He always claims that I "exploit" our happiness in my other blog and cover up our problems. So, I thought, Fine. I'll lay the problems out there. But I'm sure as hell not going to do it where every person you can google me can find it.
So this was going to be a blog about our marriage journey. Last week, I was starting to worry that it was actually going to be a blog about our divorce.
Today I'm starting to realize that maybe I need to look a little deeper than the surface of our relationship. Because, ultimately all our problems come down to this fact: Our relationship is one between two very flawed people. Two people with less than ideal childhoods who are still carrying around a lot of pain and disorder.
I can't help him. I want to. If there was anything I could to to truely ease his pain, to help him move and grow past the trauma of his childhood, I would do it in a second. I would bend over backward to help him heal. But there is nothing I can do. He has buried it all so deep that he doesn't see it. He'll give it cursory lip service in our counselling sessions, but he doesn't believe it. I know him well enough to know when he truely believes something. And he doesn't think he has any emotional problems. He only sees mine. How could he possibly be part of the problem when I obviously have so much wrong with me?
So I can't help him. I can only work to fix me. My fear is that if I get myself right, or at least on track, it will destroy us. If he doesn't come along in the process I know it will end us. I hate that thought. It will be StepDaughter's third broken home. Baby Boy will be without a Daddy at the very beginning of his life.
But something has to give. I have to fix something. And I have to start with myself.
During my first session alone with the marriage consellor weeks ago, she suggested that I research the "symptoms" of adult children of alcoholics. And I did, sort of. I glanced through it one day and thought, huh, that's interesting. And didn't give it a second thought.
I looked it up again today. I'm not sure why. I'm feeling emotionally raw this morning. Husband has been out of town for 4 or 5 days. The first couple days were so nice. Calm, relaxing. I got plenty done and spent a lot of time just hanging out with Baby Boy. More than once the thought crossed my mind that if our marriage does fall apart, I'd be just fine. But yesterday I was really starting to miss him. I was ready for him to come home.
It was bittersweet because in my head I want him to come home and put his arms around me, tell me how much he missed me and how happy he is to be home, and kiss me. In reality, I know that isn't what will happen. They will rumble in loudly, carrying all sorts of mess and chaos with them. If I'm home at the time I might get a cursory grunt from him. I'll certainly get an excited "Mommy" from StepDaughter. If he says anything to me before he starts unloading the truck, it will be complaints and annoyances or questions about what housework I have and haven't gotten done while he was away. And he will unpack the truck. And I will stay out of the way.
But I still miss him. Because there was a time when he would have put his arms around me and it would have been about that wonderful moment when we were back together. And maybe we'll have that back one day.
So last night, after some soul searching and writing out some of my concerns, I decided to call him before I went to sleep. Just to say hi. To tell him I missed him and wish him sweet dreams.
It didn't play out like that. He sounded annoyed the moment he answered. I tried to sound upbeat. I told him I missed him and just called to say goodnight. He didn't even respond. Then he yelled at me for saying I called to tell him I missed him instead of actually saying I missed him.
And I started to cry. I have no idea why. It's not unusual for him to make me cry, but it usually takes a hell of a lot more than that. But I was feeling emotionally raw. He apparently could tell I was crying even though I made a half hearted attempt to hide it.
"What did you do?!" he growled at me.
I was so shocked and hurt. I called to tell him I missed him, I loved him, and he was accusing me - again. I told him I didn't do anything. Repeated my reason for calling, and hung up. I should have known better than to try to get reassurance from him. That is not something he feels I deserve.
I watched 2 episodes of Bones and went to sleep.
This morning, I saw that he had sent me a message about 40 minutes after the call that said "i love u." I'm sure he expects that fixed it. I didn't.
I'm still feeling emotionally raw this morning. So I looked up Adult Children of Alcoholics again. And it knocked the wind out of me.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Most of this defines me. I am a highly successful professional woman, but still much of this is me. I am unbelievably intimidated by authority. The psychologist has been telling me over and over again that I need to get over my addiction to chaos. I judge myself extremely harshly and do not handle criticism well at all. The scariest one, though is the point about having a dependant personality and clinging to relationships.
The psychologist thinks I should get a divorce. I can't even explain to myself why I'm clinging to a relationship that becomes more painful and distant every day. Well, I have two rationalizations: 1) if I get a divorce, StepDaughter gets taken away for good. 2.) I would be leaving him instead of helping him work through his issues - which were caused by people leaving him!
So what I need now is catharsis and growth. And I really want him to come along with me.
I may have to change the name of the blog . . .
So this was going to be a blog about our marriage journey. Last week, I was starting to worry that it was actually going to be a blog about our divorce.
Today I'm starting to realize that maybe I need to look a little deeper than the surface of our relationship. Because, ultimately all our problems come down to this fact: Our relationship is one between two very flawed people. Two people with less than ideal childhoods who are still carrying around a lot of pain and disorder.
I can't help him. I want to. If there was anything I could to to truely ease his pain, to help him move and grow past the trauma of his childhood, I would do it in a second. I would bend over backward to help him heal. But there is nothing I can do. He has buried it all so deep that he doesn't see it. He'll give it cursory lip service in our counselling sessions, but he doesn't believe it. I know him well enough to know when he truely believes something. And he doesn't think he has any emotional problems. He only sees mine. How could he possibly be part of the problem when I obviously have so much wrong with me?
So I can't help him. I can only work to fix me. My fear is that if I get myself right, or at least on track, it will destroy us. If he doesn't come along in the process I know it will end us. I hate that thought. It will be StepDaughter's third broken home. Baby Boy will be without a Daddy at the very beginning of his life.
But something has to give. I have to fix something. And I have to start with myself.
During my first session alone with the marriage consellor weeks ago, she suggested that I research the "symptoms" of adult children of alcoholics. And I did, sort of. I glanced through it one day and thought, huh, that's interesting. And didn't give it a second thought.
I looked it up again today. I'm not sure why. I'm feeling emotionally raw this morning. Husband has been out of town for 4 or 5 days. The first couple days were so nice. Calm, relaxing. I got plenty done and spent a lot of time just hanging out with Baby Boy. More than once the thought crossed my mind that if our marriage does fall apart, I'd be just fine. But yesterday I was really starting to miss him. I was ready for him to come home.
It was bittersweet because in my head I want him to come home and put his arms around me, tell me how much he missed me and how happy he is to be home, and kiss me. In reality, I know that isn't what will happen. They will rumble in loudly, carrying all sorts of mess and chaos with them. If I'm home at the time I might get a cursory grunt from him. I'll certainly get an excited "Mommy" from StepDaughter. If he says anything to me before he starts unloading the truck, it will be complaints and annoyances or questions about what housework I have and haven't gotten done while he was away. And he will unpack the truck. And I will stay out of the way.
But I still miss him. Because there was a time when he would have put his arms around me and it would have been about that wonderful moment when we were back together. And maybe we'll have that back one day.
So last night, after some soul searching and writing out some of my concerns, I decided to call him before I went to sleep. Just to say hi. To tell him I missed him and wish him sweet dreams.
It didn't play out like that. He sounded annoyed the moment he answered. I tried to sound upbeat. I told him I missed him and just called to say goodnight. He didn't even respond. Then he yelled at me for saying I called to tell him I missed him instead of actually saying I missed him.
And I started to cry. I have no idea why. It's not unusual for him to make me cry, but it usually takes a hell of a lot more than that. But I was feeling emotionally raw. He apparently could tell I was crying even though I made a half hearted attempt to hide it.
"What did you do?!" he growled at me.
I was so shocked and hurt. I called to tell him I missed him, I loved him, and he was accusing me - again. I told him I didn't do anything. Repeated my reason for calling, and hung up. I should have known better than to try to get reassurance from him. That is not something he feels I deserve.
I watched 2 episodes of Bones and went to sleep.
This morning, I saw that he had sent me a message about 40 minutes after the call that said "i love u." I'm sure he expects that fixed it. I didn't.
I'm still feeling emotionally raw this morning. So I looked up Adult Children of Alcoholics again. And it knocked the wind out of me.
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Most of this defines me. I am a highly successful professional woman, but still much of this is me. I am unbelievably intimidated by authority. The psychologist has been telling me over and over again that I need to get over my addiction to chaos. I judge myself extremely harshly and do not handle criticism well at all. The scariest one, though is the point about having a dependant personality and clinging to relationships.
The psychologist thinks I should get a divorce. I can't even explain to myself why I'm clinging to a relationship that becomes more painful and distant every day. Well, I have two rationalizations: 1) if I get a divorce, StepDaughter gets taken away for good. 2.) I would be leaving him instead of helping him work through his issues - which were caused by people leaving him!
So what I need now is catharsis and growth. And I really want him to come along with me.
I may have to change the name of the blog . . .
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Up - and then Down Again
Thursday night we got into it. I don't even remember why and I don't care. I certainly don't care to wrack my brain to try to remember it. It was probably about the baby's "sleep problems." (Husband thinks the baby has problems. I absolutely do not, which, apparently means I'm an idiot and a horrible parent. Whatever.)
I've been working on doing what my therapist suggests. Seeing the ridiculous and futility of it all. Recognizing my emotions and stepping back from them. Its hard. He says terrible, hurtful things. Often out of the blue. He will go from pleasant to angry in seconds flat. It may sound biased coming from me, but I am no exaggerating. He has serious anger and impulsivity issues.
But I stepped back from it and tried not to get too embroiled. It didn't blow up into anything crazy, which is good, but I still came away from it feeling horrible.
Friday morning, though, I was determined not to let this ruin our weekend. I called first thing and set up an appointment with my therapist to take place following MY next appointment, which is this Friday. I emailed him and told him I had set up a new marriage councelor. Maybe since my therapist knows about how effing off kilter he is because I've gotten to talk to her alone, she'll be able to do something about it.
He needs serious help. He needs someone to help him tear apart his past and all the horrible feelings and residue tied up from that. And it will take a LONG time. But I'll stay with him if he gets help and it helps him. He's an amazing man when he's not irrationally angry or sneaking around stalking me. If he were better able to deal with his emotions and speak to me rationally, we could have the best marriage on the planet.
So I emailed him to tell him about the appointment and asked that he drop his anger in the meantime. He can still stew and hate me inside (which, if lunch today was any evidence, he has been doing), but we should enjoy the weekend. You never know what's going to happen. I have a constant, HUGE irrational fear that one of us is going to get killed in some sort of accident while we're mad at each other.
For the Baby's sake, I pray to everything on the planet that I don't die and leave him with Husband.
And we had a great weekend. It was a blast. Husband and I took a nap cuddled up together on a park bench while the kids played and Baby napped. It was romantic and happy and wonderful.
I'm pretty certain we had sex. Though for some reason I really can't remember. How weird is that? I mean, we have sex pretty much every weekend, and I'm pretty sure we did this weekend. But for some reason my memory is crapping out on me.
I know I tried to initiate it one night and he was doing that bastard thing where he just lays there and makes me "prove" that I want to (and it takes a lot of proving). He says I'm never interested in sex (which by the way is SOOO far from the truth), and I never initiate it (also NOT TRUE), so he demands that I initiate it the vast majority of the time. Well, this time he was acting just a bit too uninterested and I gave up. The next day, of course, I got flak for "teasing" him. Errrrg.
BUT I'm pretty sure we had sex the next night. I know it hasn't been nearly a week since the last time, I just can't remember it all that well. Probably because I'm always so damn tired.
So it was a wonderful weekend. The kids had a sleepover. We had friends over. It was fun. Last night, we watched Easy A, which was hilarious. The last two nights, Husband has let me have the Baby sleep in the bed, which has been wonderful, but last night every time the baby so much as whimpered, he got all angry, rolling over with attitude and grunting angrily at me.
He is convinced that Step Daughter slept through the night, in her crib alone, every single night without a single problem from the time she was 6 weeks old. He's effing delusional. That was 8 years ago and he does NOT have a very good memory AT ALL. Something I pay for a lot.
It was a great weekend. But, if you can't tell from the tone of this post. That feeling did not extend past the weekend.
I've been working on doing what my therapist suggests. Seeing the ridiculous and futility of it all. Recognizing my emotions and stepping back from them. Its hard. He says terrible, hurtful things. Often out of the blue. He will go from pleasant to angry in seconds flat. It may sound biased coming from me, but I am no exaggerating. He has serious anger and impulsivity issues.
But I stepped back from it and tried not to get too embroiled. It didn't blow up into anything crazy, which is good, but I still came away from it feeling horrible.
Friday morning, though, I was determined not to let this ruin our weekend. I called first thing and set up an appointment with my therapist to take place following MY next appointment, which is this Friday. I emailed him and told him I had set up a new marriage councelor. Maybe since my therapist knows about how effing off kilter he is because I've gotten to talk to her alone, she'll be able to do something about it.
He needs serious help. He needs someone to help him tear apart his past and all the horrible feelings and residue tied up from that. And it will take a LONG time. But I'll stay with him if he gets help and it helps him. He's an amazing man when he's not irrationally angry or sneaking around stalking me. If he were better able to deal with his emotions and speak to me rationally, we could have the best marriage on the planet.
So I emailed him to tell him about the appointment and asked that he drop his anger in the meantime. He can still stew and hate me inside (which, if lunch today was any evidence, he has been doing), but we should enjoy the weekend. You never know what's going to happen. I have a constant, HUGE irrational fear that one of us is going to get killed in some sort of accident while we're mad at each other.
For the Baby's sake, I pray to everything on the planet that I don't die and leave him with Husband.
And we had a great weekend. It was a blast. Husband and I took a nap cuddled up together on a park bench while the kids played and Baby napped. It was romantic and happy and wonderful.
I'm pretty certain we had sex. Though for some reason I really can't remember. How weird is that? I mean, we have sex pretty much every weekend, and I'm pretty sure we did this weekend. But for some reason my memory is crapping out on me.
I know I tried to initiate it one night and he was doing that bastard thing where he just lays there and makes me "prove" that I want to (and it takes a lot of proving). He says I'm never interested in sex (which by the way is SOOO far from the truth), and I never initiate it (also NOT TRUE), so he demands that I initiate it the vast majority of the time. Well, this time he was acting just a bit too uninterested and I gave up. The next day, of course, I got flak for "teasing" him. Errrrg.
BUT I'm pretty sure we had sex the next night. I know it hasn't been nearly a week since the last time, I just can't remember it all that well. Probably because I'm always so damn tired.
So it was a wonderful weekend. The kids had a sleepover. We had friends over. It was fun. Last night, we watched Easy A, which was hilarious. The last two nights, Husband has let me have the Baby sleep in the bed, which has been wonderful, but last night every time the baby so much as whimpered, he got all angry, rolling over with attitude and grunting angrily at me.
He is convinced that Step Daughter slept through the night, in her crib alone, every single night without a single problem from the time she was 6 weeks old. He's effing delusional. That was 8 years ago and he does NOT have a very good memory AT ALL. Something I pay for a lot.
It was a great weekend. But, if you can't tell from the tone of this post. That feeling did not extend past the weekend.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Where Things Stand
I don't intend for this to be an all negative blog. It isn't [only] a place for me to come to vent and unload about the state of our relationship. It just happens that I've started it during a rather difficult period.
Usually, we are very happy together. And when we are happy, things are amazing. There are times when we have an absolutely wonderful relationship.
And then there are weeks like these. I don't know what has happened. I don't know what has changed for him, but he is angry. So angry, most of the time. And so the eggshell walk begins again. I will tiptoe as much as I can until things come lose and I can't do it anymore and we'll have a blow our row.
He'll tell me he hates me. He'll call me a slut because he's obsessed with the idea of me cheating even though I never have. He'll call me ugly just because. He'll call me vain and conceited, a horrible wife and mother.
I will either disolve into a tearful pile or I will strike back, yelling at him that HE is the one with all the horrifically failed relationships in the past; the HE never listens to me and doesn't seem to care about me at all. I'll ask him why he ever married me if he hates me so much.
I've been trying to break this cycle, but it is HARD. It's hard to listen to the person who's supposed to be there for you and care for you, the person to whom you've tethered your life and produced beautiful babies, tear apart every shred of your humanity and value. It's hard not to snap back at that.
But I'm trying. Because he's suffering. I know he is. I don't know if he knows it, but I do.
There are moments when I want to give up and leave because it hurts too much and he just doesn't see what's going on. But that would make me just another person in his life who abandoned him when what he really needs is someone to be there for him so he can heal.
But it is so hard sometimes.
And then there are times when everything is fine. We're happy. We laugh, play, make love. Wonderful times when I can't even imagine why we ever fought like we did. These times disapear in a moment. With one wrong word - even one uttered in complete innocence.
But those times, for now, are worth it. And I can't imagine how beautiful they will be if we can just fix us. Individually and together.
Usually, we are very happy together. And when we are happy, things are amazing. There are times when we have an absolutely wonderful relationship.
And then there are weeks like these. I don't know what has happened. I don't know what has changed for him, but he is angry. So angry, most of the time. And so the eggshell walk begins again. I will tiptoe as much as I can until things come lose and I can't do it anymore and we'll have a blow our row.
He'll tell me he hates me. He'll call me a slut because he's obsessed with the idea of me cheating even though I never have. He'll call me ugly just because. He'll call me vain and conceited, a horrible wife and mother.
I will either disolve into a tearful pile or I will strike back, yelling at him that HE is the one with all the horrifically failed relationships in the past; the HE never listens to me and doesn't seem to care about me at all. I'll ask him why he ever married me if he hates me so much.
I've been trying to break this cycle, but it is HARD. It's hard to listen to the person who's supposed to be there for you and care for you, the person to whom you've tethered your life and produced beautiful babies, tear apart every shred of your humanity and value. It's hard not to snap back at that.
But I'm trying. Because he's suffering. I know he is. I don't know if he knows it, but I do.
There are moments when I want to give up and leave because it hurts too much and he just doesn't see what's going on. But that would make me just another person in his life who abandoned him when what he really needs is someone to be there for him so he can heal.
But it is so hard sometimes.
And then there are times when everything is fine. We're happy. We laugh, play, make love. Wonderful times when I can't even imagine why we ever fought like we did. These times disapear in a moment. With one wrong word - even one uttered in complete innocence.
But those times, for now, are worth it. And I can't imagine how beautiful they will be if we can just fix us. Individually and together.
Blame
He blames himself for the sickening things his slutty ex did to him. He blames me for his emotionally abusive behaviour toward me. WTF?
Rationally, I’m sure he didn’t manifest this self blame about his ex while they were together. He was probably just as blaming to her as he is to me at the time. Maybe that’s why she felt the need to f*ck so many other guys. But just because I rationally know he didn’t blame himself then - that he wasn’t forgiving or understanding toward her when he was actually with her - doesn’t mean I feel any less slighted by it.
He has told me point blank a number of times, in moments of anger that I am the one with the problems and that things would be fine if I would just change.
I have changed. Drastically, I’ve bent over backward and wrapped myself completely around the axle trying to be what he wants, but his expectations when he’s angry are completely impossible for a single human being to live up to. And he blames me. For everything.
So you know what I do? I blame her. Yeah, he had problems before her. He had horrible, emotionally scaring Hell for a childhood. But he still loves his mother [sometimes] and she will always be a part of our lives, so I can’t blame her.
But I can blame his ex. Because she was a whore and a narcissist and I don’t really know her so I don’t have to deal with the guilt of knowing my blame is misdirected. How can I know she’s a narcissist if I’ve never met her?
Because she has a blog. A detailed one. And I’ve met a lot of people who do know her.
She’s a completely self centered, narcissistic, hypochondriac whore.
She seems to be trying to “grow” and “change,” but I’m not sure I buy into that. And ultimately, I don’t give a damn because I don’t know her and she’s an easy scapegoat. It’s not like I do anything to her. I just blame her and hate her. In our rare internet interactions I’m perfectly nice because I recognize that she has done nothing to me.
But I still blame her.
For not taking care of him. For taking the damage his mother did and amplifying it tenfold. For not only being a slut, but being an unsafe slut. At least when I went through my promiscuous period in college I always used protection. Not this one. Hence the fact that she has so many disgusting problems with her vagina. Like I said, it’s a detailed blog.
Sometimes he hates her. Sometimes he defends her actions. I’m sure he needs to feel like he wasn’t a complete idiot for marrying her and taking her back after her first round of whoring. So he doesn’t blame her. He blames me.
But I blame her.
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