Blame

He blames himself for the sickening things his slutty ex did to him.  He blames me for his emotionally abusive behaviour toward me.  WTF?

Rationally, I’m sure he didn’t manifest this self blame about his ex while they were together.  He was probably just as blaming to her as he is to me at the time.  Maybe that’s why she felt the need to f*ck so many other guys.  But just because I rationally know he didn’t blame himself then - that he wasn’t forgiving or understanding toward her when he was actually with her - doesn’t mean I feel any less slighted by it.

He has told me point blank a number of times, in moments of anger that I am the one with the problems and that things would be fine if I would just change.

I have changed.  Drastically, I’ve bent over backward and wrapped myself completely around the axle trying to be what he wants, but his expectations when he’s angry are completely impossible for a single human being to live up to.  And he blames me.  For everything.

So you know what I do?  I blame her.  Yeah, he had problems before her.  He had horrible, emotionally scaring Hell for a childhood.  But he still loves his mother [sometimes] and she will always be a part of our lives, so I can’t blame her.

But I can blame his ex.  Because she was a whore and a narcissist and I don’t really know her so I don’t have to deal with the guilt of knowing my blame is misdirected.  How can I know she’s a narcissist if I’ve never met her?

Because she has a blog.  A detailed one.  And I’ve met a lot of people who do know her.

She’s a completely self centered, narcissistic, hypochondriac whore.

She seems to be trying to “grow” and “change,” but I’m not sure I buy into that.  And ultimately, I don’t give a damn because I don’t know her and she’s an easy scapegoat.  It’s not like I do anything to her.  I just blame her and hate her.  In our rare internet interactions I’m perfectly nice because I recognize that she has done nothing to me. 

But I still blame her.

For not taking care of him.  For taking the damage his mother did and amplifying it tenfold.  For not only being a slut, but being an unsafe slut.  At least when I went through my promiscuous period in college I always used protection.  Not this one.  Hence the fact that she has so many disgusting problems with her vagina.  Like I said, it’s a detailed blog.

Sometimes he hates her.  Sometimes he defends her actions.  I’m sure he needs to feel like he wasn’t a complete idiot for marrying her and taking her back after her first round of whoring.  So he doesn’t blame her.  He blames me.

But I blame her.