Where Things Stand

I don't intend for this to be an all negative blog.  It isn't [only] a place for me to come to vent and unload about the state of our relationship.  It just happens that I've started it during a rather difficult period.

Usually, we are very happy together.  And when we are happy, things are amazing.  There are times when we have an absolutely wonderful relationship.

And then there are weeks like these.  I don't know what has happened.  I don't know what has changed for him, but he is angry.  So angry, most of the time.  And so the eggshell walk begins again.  I will tiptoe as much as I can until things come lose and I can't do it anymore and we'll have a blow our row.

He'll tell me he hates me.  He'll call me a slut because he's obsessed with the idea of me cheating even though I never have.  He'll call me ugly just because.  He'll call me vain and conceited, a horrible wife and mother.

I will either disolve into a tearful pile or I will strike back, yelling at him that HE is the one with all the horrifically failed relationships in the past; the HE never listens to me and doesn't seem to care about me at all.  I'll ask him why he ever married me if he hates me so much.

I've been trying to break this cycle, but it is HARD.  It's hard to listen to the person who's supposed to be there for you and care for you, the person to whom you've tethered your life and produced beautiful babies, tear apart every shred of your humanity and value.  It's hard not to snap back at that.

But I'm trying.  Because he's suffering.  I know he is.  I don't know if he knows it, but I do. 

There are moments when I want to give up and leave because it hurts too much and he just doesn't see what's going on.  But that would make me just another person in his life who abandoned him when what he really needs is someone to be there for him so he can heal.

But it is so hard sometimes.

And then there are times when everything is fine.  We're happy.  We laugh, play, make love.  Wonderful times when I can't even imagine why we ever fought like we did.  These times disapear in a moment.  With one wrong word - even one uttered in complete innocence.

But those times, for now, are worth it.  And I can't imagine how beautiful they will be if we can just fix us.  Individually and together.