Apex

      While Husband and StepDaughter were away, I spent a lot of time thinking about divorce.  It was such an amazing, peaceful release not to be walking on eggshells all the time.  I could leave work when I was ready (I brought The Baby in to work with me in the afternoons).  I could spend and hour relaxing and decompressing when I got home.  The Baby had a stable, consistant bedtime, and at night he got so sleep soundly and securly, cuddled up with me.

      In the mornings, I could get up a little early and watch something I enjoy for 20 mintues while I had my coffee.  I didn't have to worry about waking anyone up and I didn't have to get dressed in the dark.

      In the evenings and on the weekend, I cleaned a lot, but I did it at my own pace and as I saw fit.  I got a lot done without anyone picking apart what I was doing or critisizing when and how it got done.  The house looked marvelous when I was done and I had plenty of time to play with The Baby and relax.

      I thought about divorce because these calm, self sufficient feelings aren't feelings that I get when he's home.  Because I couldn't call him even when I wanted to because he gets annoyed with me if I call him too often (though he also gets annoyed with me if I don't call him enough).

      One night, I felt that I had worked through my feelings, and ulitimately I still loved him, he was worth working things out, and I missed him.  I called him to tell him I missed him.  It was a bad idea.  He got mad at me for saying "I called to tell you I miss you."  He got mad because I should have said "I miss you."  I was so emotionally on edge already that this brought me to tears.  He could tell I was crying and said, with seething anger, "What did you do?"  Imlying, obviously that he assumed I was crying out of guilt, probably for cheating on him.

      Things were good for a few hours when he got back, but it didn't last.  His ups and downs used to be spaced out.  Our fights were usually a week apart.  But lately he goes up and down a number of times in a single day.

      I still feel like it's my fault even though our marriage counsellor insisted to me that it is not.  I have entered a pattern of self-blame.  But I hate blame.  I think blaming others for our own unhappiness is a cop out.  The problem is, in this case my unhappiness isn't because I'm causing his moodiness - it's because I'm staying with him.

      He didn't show up for counselling Monday because he said I never told him about it.  I did.  A least 3 times.  He yelled at me so much telling me that I told him the day but not the time and never asked him if that time was ok with him.  Finally, this morning, I checked my phone.  I sent him a text message on Friday that said, "Our marriage counselling appointment has been moved to Monday at 0930.  Ok with you?"  I also know that as I was leaving that morning I said to him "See you at 930."  Though his response was something like "Yeah, whatever."  He had stayed up until 4 am playing on the computer (not playing games, just sending angry emails to our insurance company and others and researching the field he wants to go into).

      At the counselling appointment by myself, the counsellor observed that she did not feel that I had any sort of personality disorder (I was honestly starting to believe I did because he constantly tells me I act like I do - and his phsychotic ex definitely does - which she will proudly proclaim to anyone who will listen).  I'm still not convinced that I don't have some form of disorder, but I am coming around to the idea that he is a large part of the problem.

      Whe was abandoned and just generally uncared for as a child.  He got married young to a slut who was in bed with other guys less than a week after their wedding.  The woman he had a baby with abandoned not only him, but also their child, completely out of the blue when StepDaughter was 6 months old.  Granted, with BabyMama, he was probably already starting to be as angry as he is now, but I'm sure what BabyMama did only made it worse.

      He desperately wants someone to love him, someone he can trust and rely on, but life has taught him that there is no such thing.  Well, I may not be perfect, but he could trust and rely on me, and I could love him, if only he would stop tearing me to shreds.  He needs to heal.  He deserves it.  But I'm starting to question whether I am strong enough to help him.  And whether I can keep The Baby around while it's taking place.

      I've reached an apex.  Something has to give.  Last night, we all went swimming (not that I had any choice in the matter - he showed up at work with my bathing suit and the assumption was that I would go - I suppose I should have been grateful that he even told me where they were and invited me to come).  We were playing in the pool.  It should have been a good thing.  In keeping with my continued attempts to bond with StepDaughter, I was tickling her.  Out of the blue, she threw a tantrum saying I was hurting her.

      A couple things about this:  1) She often does crap like this when Husband is not paying attention to her (he was playing with The Baby when this happened); 2.) She was probably over tired since Husband has been letting her stay up as late as she wants every night for the last 3 weeks or so - evidenced by the fact that she "hurt" herself 2 more times in the next hour and cried like a baby all 3 times; 3.) I don't see any way the way I was tickling her could have hurt her.

       But she said I was hurting her.  I said "I was just tickling you, you're fine."  Because even though I'm trying to bond with her, I'm not putting up with her dramatics because I don't want to encourage her to do it more.  Husband was NOT ok with this reaction by me.  With The Baby in one hand, he came after me.  At first he acted like he was going to tickle me.  Even though I knew he was trying to hurt me, I played along - trying to defuse the situation.  I giggled and dodged.  It did not diffuse the situation.

      He punched me in the stomach.

      I don't think he's ever actually hit me before.  He's pushed me around a few times.  He has thrown things at me (once, he threw a phone at me so hard it put a hole in the drywall behind me, another time he threw my cell phone at me so hard it broke in half when it hit the wall - I was pregnant at the time).  But he has never hit me before.

      It didn't really hurt.  If we hadn't been in the water, if I hadn't jumped back, it probably would have hurt a lot.  He did not hold back.  I don't know if StepDaughter saw it.  If she did, she didn't say anything.  Apparently, no one else at the pool saw it.  No one said or did anything.

      I knew I couldn't put up with that.  We can work through his emotionally abusive nature, but I can't stay if he's violent.  It's just too dangerous.  I've been there before and I'm not doing it again.

      I got up close to him and said quietly, but sternly, "No.  You do not get to hit me.  If you ever do that again, we're done."

      He go nose to nose with me and growled angry things at me.  I can't remember what.  I repeated that I would not stay with someone who hit me.  He said he was leaving and started wading toward the ladder with The Baby.  I asked him, calmly, to give me The Baby.  He wouldn't.  He said he was leaving and taking The Baby with him.

      I had no choice.  I calmed down.  I followed him out of the pool and said, "I don't want to have a big fight tonight.  There's no point to it." 

      He didn't say anything.  He got out his towel, but he didn't dry off to leave, he just sat down.  StepDaughter was still in the pool, which I think was part of what saved the situation.  The Baby started fussing, and Husband said, "Oh, he's hungry," and shoved him into my arms.  I was unbelievably relieved. 

      I was calm and cordial the rest of the night.  What could I do?  He and StepDaughter went to the store to pick up corn, which should have been a 20 minute round trip, they were gone for almost 2 hours.  I was fine with that.  I put The Baby down to sleep with our nice routine.  While we were making dinner, he suddenly and warmly hugged me from behind.  It felt so nice.  And I chose to ignore the negative and enjoy what little I get. 

      I know I should know better.  Maybe he was feeling a little guilt.  He certainly didn't say so.  He feels justified in every attack he makes on me because he has built me up to be a horrible person in his head and the maladaptive patterns he's established dealing with all the abandonment in his life have taught him that if he does this to me, then he rejects me first and I can never be the one to abandon him.

      But now I'm at an apex.  Because I can't stay if he's violent.  It would be wrong.  If he does it again, I'm out.  I've started researching divorce, but its daunting.  I am a federal employee.  If we get divorced, he automatically gets AT LEAST 1/3 of all my pay.  He will get  a full 1/2 if the court considers StepDaughter to still be my dependant after the divorce or if he gets custody of The Baby - the idea of which terrifies me.  My job is very demanding.  It is very common for people in my job to loose their children in divorces just based on the job.  If I determine that that is the likely outcome, he can hit me all he wants.  Until they lock him up for assault, I won't leave.  I will never risk leaving The Baby alone with him.  (As a note:  He would NEVER hurt StepDaughter physically - they have a twisted relationship).

      This morning, I sent this email to our marriage counsellor:

I'm sorry to bother you between sessions.

Last night, Husband crossed a line.  I can't go into detail, for reasons that are likely obvious, but it requires me to look much harder at my position in our counseling.

I am sort of at a loss at this point.  I don't know if this is still extinction burst or if something else in my behavior has changed and he can sense it, but I think I am at some sort of turning point.

I still don't want to get a divorce.  I still don't want to be just one more person that abandons him when what he really needs is to learn to feel secure in a relationship.  I still believe that he deserves to work through and overcome the unhealthy patterns he's learned over the course of his childhood and first marriage.

But I have fear now.  Fear for myself and for StepDaughter and The Baby (though they are different fears).  I NEED him to recognize that his behavior needs to change.  It has become very important that he recognize his anger problems SOON, or I know I can't stay.  I've been in a similar position before, and I stayed too long.  I won't do that again, not with The Baby in the mix (unfortunately there isn't much I can do about StepDaughter).

All I need is for him to see and truly believe that he has a problem and needs to make a change.  And I am very, very worried that that is really unlikely right now.  He is fighting so hard against something I can't identify.  I feel like he's hiding from himself more than ever right now.

Do you think there is any chance I can help him come around, just to a recognition, in the next couple weeks?  I know that therapy is a long process, but at this point I'm not sure I have time.  Something has to give soon.  It doesn't have to be big, but it has to be something.  He doesn't even have to get nicer, I just need to know that he can see what's going on.

But I recognize what a huge step that would actually be.

So I'm at a loss.

Do you think that there's any chance that if I tell him (at the counseling session, probably) that I have reached a point where something has to change or I'm leaving, that it would open his eyes a little?  I can see it going either way:  It will either scare him into looking at himself for once or it will make things exponentially worse - a risk I'm not sure I can take.

I find myself clinging to the idea that maybe just a change in medications might mellow him out a little, make him a little more rational, give me more time to hang in there and let the therapy work.  Do you think that's a possibility, or am I fooling myself?

Divorce terrifies me because I know that courts almost never grant custody to active duty military members, and Husband has already been through and won one custody battle.  I am going to talk to some attorney friends to get their opinions, but if I find myself facing the possibility that The Baby will be alone with Husband, I won't be able to leave - at least not until The Baby is old enough to talk.

I apologize for the lengthy and disjointed message.  Really, I just wanted you to be aware that I have reached this point before our next session.  I need to know if there is any chance my actions can bring him forward, even a tiny bit, or even just make him a little aware that he needs to make some changes.

If not, I'm not sure what the best course of action might be.

      The counsellor responded that she would call me later.  We'll see what happens.  For now, I'm going home for lunch.